Alert: The Office of the President Has Been Hijacked

Alert***Alert***Alert***Alert***Alert***

This alert warns the United States and all the countries around the world—with the exceptions of Nauru, San Marino and Tuvalu, as your populations of 12,500 and 33,605 and 10,600, respectively, are too small to notice any real difference—impacted by the ripple effects of unstable political decisions from within the US.

First, let us be transparent about our sources.

We have received top classified information directly from the FBI. However, we have doubts about its credibility, since the same report indicates the head of the FBI is someone or something by the name of Jack Daniels—we are unclear if they mean a person or the bottle, but judging from the quality of leadership either could be running the show at this point.

Onward with the report!

We have reason to believe the Office of the President has been hijacked.

The US Constitution has been ignored and shamefully silenced. We suspect this critical foundation of federal government policy has been seized and abandoned on a remote island, left to disintegrate into nothingness from ongoing exposure to brutal sun, saltwater and utter disregard.

We are hoping some version of Cast Away will help the Constitution survive as this age-old framework is thought to be more interesting than a resourceful volleyball that escaped a FedEx package.

Regardless, it is our firm belief that no legitimate president would show contempt toward the Constitution, let alone facilitate its withering and fading in the tropics. Despite our persistent efforts, we have been unable to locate the whereabouts of this mysterious island or the Constitution itself. It has turned from a search and rescue mission into a search and recovery one. We are unsure if this once-honored document will ever be restored to its rightful place.

Give us a moment as we bow our heads.

Ahem.

Onward again with the report!

Along with the POTUS, the Congress has been hijacked and replaced with spineless, perhaps mindless as well, organisms, also of unknown origins—we are still working on tracing the genesis of the current members of the House and Senate, as we have never witnessed this level of wishy-washiness from the most powerful nation on Earth. However, we are happy to report we do have small leads—we are investigating anything yellow, considering their glaringly yellow-bellied behaviors. We are utilizing shades.

Along with the POTUS and the Congress, the SCOTUS has been surreptitiously replaced with imposters. They are suspected to actually be Supreme Cowards/Cons/Chickens of the United States. (Feel free to choose your term of preference as they are all equally valid.) They support the illegalities of their esteemed leader who installed them in their current positions of questionable yet unquestioned power.

The POTUS has overreached its reach, putting its name on every building, landmark, hotel, motel and pool in sight. We have yet to see it extend its unchallenged authority beyond Earth and to the unfortunate planets around us (unfortunate only because they could be next). It is expected to happen soon, though, specifically christening the poor red planet Mars-a-Lago. We await the restoring of the NASA budget that this POTUS has sizably cut but are highly doubtful it will happen unless Mars-a-Lago becomes a guaranteed permanent fixture into the foreseeable future.

Finally, the Office of the President has recently released footage of UFOs. We believe this is a brazen coverup with quite a bit of hubris (to the most observant) designed to hint at the actual origins of the hijacked Office of the President. It is our presumption that the POTUS disembarked from one of the UFOs that flew in from out of this world—not our very own Milky Way galaxy but from far beyond the edges of the known universe.

Indeed, no other Office of the President in US history has ever achieved the unstoppable and continual destruction of a once-thriving democracy, bankrupted it like it was its fifth casino and yet managed to be catapulted into fame, fortune and heroism for it all.

This is the conclusion of our exhaustive report. There is nothing that can explain the unexplainable but the above explanations, explained in the greatest detail explainable. Nevertheless, may the force of democracy be with you!